a conspiracy of cartographers

It's National Stop Being A Jerk to Queers Day! Although I also don't mind being visible -- the only time I have ever been pronoun-neutral about my then-girlfriend was when a dental hygienist in North Carolina decided that quizzing me about my love life constituted good small talk, and I don't necessarily recommend coming out in the South when one has sharp tools in one's mouth -- so: I am queer! I like to check out (mostly fictional) men and I like to date nonfictional ladies. I'm also lucky enough to have gone to college in a place where coming out was an alien concept; queerness was pretty much assumed, and I suspect that did more to make me comfortable with myself than anything else possibly could.

Speaking of, I am returning to that magical land of rainbow sparkles and academic panic! The Great East Coast Trip of Autumn '10 commences tomorrow, with the world's earliest godawful flight, and then I will be in New York! and then I will be in Massachusetts! and I really have been enjoying the comfortable routine of my life, but let's be honest, I'm stupidly excited to be living out of a duffle bag and stealing all my friends' covers for a few weeks.

...We could also be even more honest and admit that I'm also really looking forward to making a run to the comics shop and picking up a couple of Superman things that have been enthusiastically recced at me. Somewhere, even though he has no idea why, my dad is laughing at me. He totally loved Superman when he was twelve. Also, TOS Star Trek. Somehow I have managed to be a giant nerd all my life and not bond with him about this stuff until, like, last month. (I think he would be really confused if I told him Lex was my favorite, though. I bet Lois is his favorite. Which is fine, many incarnations of Lois are fucking excellent.)

Time to pack ALL THE THINGS.

I have been watching a truly awful amount of Smallville. It's not even as though I started out watching for Lex and stayed for something else (although if I were to stay for something else, it would be for Chloe and, to my surprise, Lois); no, I've been watching truly awful amounts of Smallville just for good Lex episodes. I didn't really realize the depths to which I'd sunk until I looked in the mirror yesterday and discovered that I'd absently put on a blue shirt and a red jacket. Today, with resignation, it's a red shirt and blue plaid flannel, hell yeah I own blue plaid flannel. I am sad I do not have any absurd purple shirts.

My point is, I think I can officially add Smallville to the List of Things I Am Ridiculously Overinvested In. I am still resisting the urge to actually just break down and genuinely watch ALL THE LEX (it wouldn't be too hard; I have perfected the art of skipping through episodes in search of Lex and of avoiding Lana almost entirely -- see also Reasons I Hate Season Six) but so far I have found it more expedient to just track down lots of vids. Say what you like about the plot, but this show's visuals are often completely gorgeous.

Therefore: vids! ( Seven vids under the cut. That's seven ones. And that's TERRIBLE. But not as terrible as Lex stealing forty cakes. )

There are also two vids that don't exist (to the best of my knowledge) but really, really should. The first one is a vid to Handlebars; I know that nothing can top the Tenth Doctor version, but I really, really want the one about Lex (and Clark) becoming awful people. It would be all fast cars and Warrior Angel comics and saving each other and LuthorCorp experiments and stumbling through tunnels and nuclear missiles! And it would probably make me cry. It would be great.

The second one is ... kind of cracky? It's to Jessie's Girl, and is about how Clark and Lex use Lana as a proxy. Did I mention how angry I am that they use Lana as a proxy? And all the musical bridges of the song would be Lana nearly killing Lionel and faking her death and generally getting her goddamn agency back.

Yeah, the vids-in-my-head folder is getting pretty full.

One of the things I am enjoying about Smallville is getting to play the "spot how other late '90s/early '00s shows also did a variation on this plot" game, although usually 'other shows' really means 'Buffy.' (Imagine my amused eye-rolling when Lana accidentally joins a vampire sorority presided over by Buffy Saunders, and James-Marsters-the-professor takes a moment to seriously declare, "Clark, there's no such thing as vampires.") When it's not taking cheap shots, though, Smallville does delightful things like the bodyswap episode (Lionel Luthor clearly beats out both Faith and Callisto-from-Xena in the People You Don't Want Possessing Your Body Awards) or the one-person-split-into-two-bodies episode (Dorky Xander vs. Competent Xander < Idealist Lex vs. Evil Lex. Sorry, Xander).

It probably sounds like my point is that I am a big fan of the Luthors (which is true! I am also a fan of the Blacks, and the Horsemen, and I'm sure I'd be a big fan of the Master's family if we'd ever met them, &c) but my actual point is that I started thinking about how cool personality-aspects-in-different-bodies episodes are. And how the aspects that get split are different depending on the character! For instance, in Buffy the split was meant to hit Buffy herself, to turn her into Ordinary Buffy and Super-Slayer, but when it got Xander, since he didn't have superpowers, it split him down a competence line. I'm not sure it would have worked the anticipated way on Buffy either, though! I think it would have more likely turned her into Insecure Lovesick Teenager Buffy and Competent Self-Sacrificing Leadership Buffy, and they would have both still had Slayer powers. On the other hand, with Willow we'd probably get Sweet Nerdy Willow and Dark Willow, so don't point personality-splitting radiation at just anyone, okay.

The problem is that once I start, I want to point personality-splitting radiation at everyone just to see what happens. Earnest, idealist Delenn vs. kill-you-mercilessly Delenn! Do-anything-for-a-story Chloe Sullivan vs. do-anything-for-her-friends Chloe! Awkward paternalistic librarian Giles vs. Ripper! Patient, dispensing-backhand-wisdom Methos vs. shanking-you-with-his-second-sword Methos! I keep thinking of more, but I will stop now. (If anyone wants to continue in comments, though, man, I could do this for hours.)

I wonder if Clark would turn into Ordinary Farm Boy Clark and Superman. Somehow, I think this works about as well as Ordinary Buffy and Super-Slayer. It is much more likely that he would turn into saves-his-friends-at-all-costs while smiling like a total sweetie Clark vs. some lying asshat. It's even worse than Merlin! I want to call out Gaius and Jonathan Kent and punch them for impressing on their wards the importance of secrecy unto sheer stupidity. God, Morgana and Lex should form a fucking support group.

Now that I am doing an idle Lex-Luthor-bits-of-Smallville watch, and unsurprisingly shipping Clark/Lex like burning, I have had the same conversation with a handful of friends. It goes something like this:

ME. And I love Lex! Oh my god, I love Lex! But Clark is, uh ...
FRIEND. Boring?
ME. Yeah! And this is becoming a pattern. Like, okay, take Highlander --
FRIEND. You love Methos, but Duncan is boring?
ME. ...Yes. Or Star Tr --
FRIEND. You love Spock and Kirk is boring!
ME. You are a mind-reader!

...although I have had this conversation with three separate friends, so in this case it's probably just that my friends know me. Anyway, it led me to imagine what would happen if I just eliminated the things that are boring, which incidentally leaves me with the mental image of Methos, Spock, and Lex Luthor in a room together. I am a little worried they would clean up nice and then take over the goddamn world.

Of course, then my brain took "What could possibly be more awesome than Methos, Spock, and Lex Luthor in a room together??" as a challenge, and I hereby submit for consideration the notion of Nyota Uhura, Kara Thrace, Zoe Washburne, Susan Ivanova, and Cordelia Naismith going on space adventures together. That is what is more awesome.

Re: this awesome thread about what some of us were like when we were ten, I thought it was time to make a Younger Self Post! I occasionally forget that I'm not still twelve or so, and then I think about what I was like as a child, and ... it's not like anything has changed that much, and I have mostly just experienced absurdity drift instead of an actual decrease of absurdity, but it is still pretty great to think about my younger self.

I would, by the way, love to spark a Younger Selves Post meme, except I don't have a catchy pithy way to tell you what to post! Mine is just a bunch of jumbled facts + some hilarious childhood pictures. Do what you will!

( Younger Self Post: random facts and hilarious childhood pictures. )

i. The Effect of Dimensional Transcendence on Mozzarella Cheese, or: Diane Duane writes fic about Five and Nyssa making pizza. (Complete with recipe at the end.) My heart. I am not-so-secretly shattered that DD hasn't written roughly a million Fifth Doctor novels. On the other hand, she has written a handful of Star Trek novels ...? And, like, novels about Spock. I may be kind of doomed.

ii. Also, because I am obviously feeling talky tonight: Name any character in any fandom that you think I would be passingly familiar with. In return, I will give you five pieces of my headcanon or a ficlet, my choice. (Or everyone can just reply 'Methos' because I will never, ever run out of headcanon.) Have at it!

i. Something I love about the slush pile is the names. Oh man, the names! They are fannish with weird regularity. Last week, I rejected queries by a Harris and a Rosenberg in succession. Today, I got to write a polite note to Mr. Scotty! I don't remember what his query was about, but I hope it was something like A Guide to Practical Engineering in the Twenty-Third Century.

ii. For some absurd reason, I am trying to work out Highlander and Buffy timelines. Because, y'know, the First Evil and the Bringers blew up all these Watcher headquarters, and Adam Pierson has this nice place in the English countryside where all the new Slayers can train! House rules: no practicing decapitation indoors, or, in fact, anywhere near Mr. Pierson. (What is wrong with me.)

iii. There is a pairing meme going around! I like memes. ( Under the cut. Comes with spoilers for s5 Doctor Who, the end of Babylon 5, minor ones for White Collar, and intentionally vague ones for BSG. )

I finished a fic! This is my usual triumphant cry when I finish a fic, which is, inevitably, not one of my WIPs. When I finish a WIP, you will know. Probably because I will sheepishly be posting it in parts. All my WIPs want to be monsters when they grow up.

This fic, on the other hand, just wants to sit down, make fun of romance novels, and get Methos laid. It's actually almost due South levels of cheerful and fluffy, except that it takes place about a week before Comes A Horseman, so ... it's tragedy in clever disguise! Or something.

Fiction, Duncan/Methos; "Oh God, you found Carolyn's book," Duncan said, sounding at least five hundred times less mortified than Methos had hoped. In which I use the hilarious fictional romance novel Blade of the MacLeods to good effect! Or to effect, anyway.

I have lately (and by "lately" I mean "at various points over the last year or so") been absently tracking down and rewatching favorite childhood films. Among other things, I have discovered that [a] The Lion King is still totally awesome and [b] lots of those childhood films, especially the live action ones, make me cry. Large bits throughout Matilda made me tear up. The end of Homeward Bound made me sob! My inner child is totally bewildered, but apparently my inner child took for granted that the animals would get home or that movie narratives totally understood me and also, obviously, my brain would give me superpowers.

The point is, though, that when I was a kid, the only goddamn movie in the world that made me cry was The Land Before Time, when Littlefoot's mother dies. (You all cried. Don't lie.) I was always mildly embarrassed and totally bewildered when my parents cried at movies, especially at happy endings. But now ... I really love crying at things. I am working through how to phrase that without sounding odd? I think it's something about how I want to function as a sane adult, which means that occasionally I also want to bawl my eyes out because it's the end of Toy Story 3, and know that it's a good emotional outlet. I love good emotional outlets! It probably comes down to how I'd much rather cry because I've been emotionally touched than just because I'm stressed about something.

Some things that make me cry:

+ Vienna Teng songs (City Hall, Grandmother Song, & Lullaby for a Stormy Night)
+ vids to Vienna Teng songs (Lullaby for a Stormy Night, Doctor Who, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)
+ most vids about awesome ladies being awesome (most consistently One Girl Revolution)
+ many films! Lilo & Stitch (anyone says "ohana means family" and I run for the tissues); Homeward Bound (the endiiiing); Return of the King (it's the Grey Havens! quick, run for the tissues!); Toy Story 3 (the endiiiiiiing, I COULDN'T EVEN SEE); Star Trek reboot (the first five minutes! and now that I have watched lots of TOS, I start crying at the end too, oh self).
+ the ending of Big Fish YES IT GETS ITS OWN BULLET POINT I THINK MY FRIENDS AND I COLLECTIVELY WENT THROUGH A WHOLE BOX OF TISSUES

So ... does anyone else do this? And by 'this' I mean either cry at any of these things also, or actively keep track of go-to things to cry to because emotional outlets are great. (Honestly I just like keeping lists of things that elicit emotional states. For instance, I also have a mental list of Hottest Things Ever, although eventually it'll need more on it than just a lieutenant colonel is being beaten. Strangely I don't have a mental list of Things That Always Make Me Happy, although the answer to that one might be "due South." Hm.)

Tomorrow I am meeting my parents in Vegas -- VEGAS! I have never been; I fully expect it to be surreal and absurd -- and I am mostly delighted about this, though I still haven't quite regained my voice from the Adam Lambert concert. I can at least function for short bursts for things like calling a cab, but more than that is beyond me.

Yesterday's email from my dad, re: Heroes:

Just in case it matters (since you said you're bringing disks), I've gotten through episode 14 or 15 (of 23 in the first season) and am about to feed my addiction again tonight. Claire has just realized that her real parents are selfish pricks and Mohinder has just met Sylar in Virginia Beach and watched him melt a toaster. (Spoiler! To get their names right, I just looked on IMDB and discovered that Sylar appears in sixty episodes, which means that he's not going to die soon.) I expect that Vegas is a pit of decadence. And it doesn't help that lots of nasty things in Heroes happen there. But at least Zion will be nice.

Probably this email is only really great to me, but I love the fact that pretty much in spite of myself I write alarmingly like my dad does. Spoiler! The older I get, the more our nerdiness converges. Seriously, I expect this trip to be all about us talking at each other about Heroes and TOS and weird obscure bits of European history while my mum listens bemusedly.

In other news, Amok Time by ee cummings. I will never get tired of the apparently million billion Trek pastiches lurking out there.

Time to pack! Fuuuuck, I have no hat or sunscreen.