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sex and death
I occasionally do the srs biznes version of talking about my WIPs, but this way has been making the rounds again, and is much more fun.
Burning Down the House
Fraser: Having returned from my vacation in Canada, I find that my good friend Ray has been replaced by a strangely-compelling imposter.
Vecchio: Actually, Benny, it's still me.
Fraser: Kowalski, did you say your name was?
Vecchio: Um.
Fraser: Listen, the best way for me to deal with the problem of our mutual attraction is for me to completely reinvent you. It's as good an explanation for the deranged absurdity of the latter seasons as any.
Fraser Sr.: I think you might be a few cards short of a deck, son.
Fraser: Don't help, Dad.
Me: If I ever actually get this story to work, it's going to be really damn depressing.
The Care and Feeding of Your Atomic Bomb
Martha: So the Rift has picked me up and deposited me in an alternate world where my whole family was killed by the Cybermen and the only people I know are a knockoff of the mad alien I fancied and that girl he would never shut up about. At least Torchwood still has employee benefits in this universe.
Rose: The knockoff of the mad alien we both fancied is driving me a bit nuts. Want to save the world together?
Martha: Yeah, all right.
Me: Does this have a plot?
Rose: Who cares? It's already awesome.
Evil!Ten and his pet Master that I am writing so Amelia will bake me cookies
Ten: At the end of Waters of Mars I went off the deep end! No sense in turning back now. What would break the laws of Time some more and also make me happy?
Master: Me?
Ten: Yes! Brilliant. I'll just bring you back.
Master: I'm back! What now?
Ten: Now I will keep you safely confined. If you misbehave, I have an emergency protocol that shuts you down.
Master: That's surprisingly clever and forward-thinking of you.
Ten: Also, I was thinking that after tea we could benevolently fuck with civilizations in ways they were never meant to be altered.
Master: Yes, that -- what?
Ten: Don't worry, it probably won't destroy the universe.
Master: What.
Ten: Also? Sex now.
Master: I think you're stealing my lines.
Me: Hey, um, is there anything in this story but sex and death?
Ten and the Master: No.
Me: Shouldn't it have ... I don't know, redeeming features?
Ten and the Master: Sex and death.
Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair
Joe: So what's the deal with you guys?
Methos: Mac is kind of pissed off that ever since Bordeaux we've been able to feel it when the other one of us takes someone's Quickening. I may have forgotten to mention it.
Duncan: That, and you start learning awkward things about a guy after you've taken a couple of his ex-boyfriends' heads.
Some evil Immortal: Hi! I once killed Methos' student.
Methos: Allow me to kill you.
Duncan: METHOS STOP DOING THAT.
Amanda: I think Interpol is after me! There may have been, um, a thing in Cairo.
Duncan: AMANDA STOP DOING THAT.
Some not-evil Immortal: Hi! I'd like that thing from Cairo back. Also, I knew Methos right after he was done with the Horsemen.
Duncan: So how'd that go for you?
Methos: Sometimes I wish you cared a hell of a lot less.
Kronos: Allow me to turn up for the flashback sequence.
Me: Flashback sequence? It looks like you want a whole fifth of this goddamn fic! What could possibly --?
Kronos: Sex and death.
Me: Oh. Right.
Neutral Zone
Kowalski: So I know these kids Sid and Andy? They're in the foster system and I check in on them occasionally.
Fraser: What a coincidence! My current case involves them. Might you see your way to helping my partner and I solve it?
Vecchio: Hey, new guy, fuck off.
Kowalski: You fuck off.
Fraser: Oh dear.
Kowalski: Actually, Vecchio, I need your help with a few things.
Vecchio: To my horror, the feeling is mutual.
Welsh: Hey, since Gardino died, do you want his job, Kowalski?
Fraser: This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!
Kowalski: This is such a bad idea.
Me: Um, how much of the show are we going to cover in this AU?
Kowalski: I was thinking to about halfway through s4.
Me: *cries*
No Second Coming
Barney: Jane, do you ever get the feeling that something important happened when we were children and we can't remember it anymore?
Jane: Oddly enough, I do. Hang on, let me ask the Greenwitch.
Greenwitch: Have some cryptic-yet-helpful dreams!
Simon: I don't know what you two are on about. I'll just get married, shall I?
Will: Bran, are you coming to Simon's wedding?
Bran: Yes, but first give me a moment to have a few important epiphanies.
Will: Such as ...?
Bran: Turns out I really hate the Light sometimes, like, for instance, when they take my memories. Also, I think we should sleep together. So, Simon's wedding?
Simon's fiancée, Elaine: Don't mind me, I'll just sit here weaving a tapestry and making not-very-oblique references to The Lady of Shalott.
Me: So ... I think there's supposed to be a plot now. Or something.
untitled Alexa fic
Adam: I'm adorable and you should run away with me.
Alexa: You are adorable, but I'm dying and this is a spectacularly bad plan.
Adam: But I already bought plane tickets!
Alexa: Oh, all right. Let's do the Grand Canyon, Route 66, New York City, and a circuit of the Mediterranean.
Adam: Sounds wonderful! Mind if I tell you all about my mythological research into this entirely hypothetical guy named Methos?
Alexa: We're not just dealing with my issues with dying here, are we.
Adam: Probably not.
Alexa: That's cool. I still love you.
Me: Could you guys ... maybe be funny?
Adam: Not in my repertoire. I'll try for awesome.
Me: Okay, I can work with that.
untitled ridiculous fusion fic
Fraser: I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my teacher. Turns out Gerard beheaded him.
Vecchio: Um, what?
Fraser: Just go with it. Let's solve crime.
Victoria: Hello! I turn up every twenty years or so to destroy all the mortals in Ben's life.
Vecchio: Um, what?
Thatcher: Hello, I'm Fraser's new Watcher. I suggest you get out of his life while you still can, Vecchio.
Kowalski: So can I be his new cop partner?
Fraser: Well, yes, now that you've been shot in the chest and woken up again, you are rather my responsibility.
Kowalski: Cool. I like the pyrotechnics.
Welsh: So am I a Watcher in this universe or what?
Me: I don't know. I don't even know.
Burning Down the House
Fraser: Having returned from my vacation in Canada, I find that my good friend Ray has been replaced by a strangely-compelling imposter.
Vecchio: Actually, Benny, it's still me.
Fraser: Kowalski, did you say your name was?
Vecchio: Um.
Fraser: Listen, the best way for me to deal with the problem of our mutual attraction is for me to completely reinvent you. It's as good an explanation for the deranged absurdity of the latter seasons as any.
Fraser Sr.: I think you might be a few cards short of a deck, son.
Fraser: Don't help, Dad.
Me: If I ever actually get this story to work, it's going to be really damn depressing.
The Care and Feeding of Your Atomic Bomb
Martha: So the Rift has picked me up and deposited me in an alternate world where my whole family was killed by the Cybermen and the only people I know are a knockoff of the mad alien I fancied and that girl he would never shut up about. At least Torchwood still has employee benefits in this universe.
Rose: The knockoff of the mad alien we both fancied is driving me a bit nuts. Want to save the world together?
Martha: Yeah, all right.
Me: Does this have a plot?
Rose: Who cares? It's already awesome.
Evil!Ten and his pet Master that I am writing so Amelia will bake me cookies
Ten: At the end of Waters of Mars I went off the deep end! No sense in turning back now. What would break the laws of Time some more and also make me happy?
Master: Me?
Ten: Yes! Brilliant. I'll just bring you back.
Master: I'm back! What now?
Ten: Now I will keep you safely confined. If you misbehave, I have an emergency protocol that shuts you down.
Master: That's surprisingly clever and forward-thinking of you.
Ten: Also, I was thinking that after tea we could benevolently fuck with civilizations in ways they were never meant to be altered.
Master: Yes, that -- what?
Ten: Don't worry, it probably won't destroy the universe.
Master: What.
Ten: Also? Sex now.
Master: I think you're stealing my lines.
Me: Hey, um, is there anything in this story but sex and death?
Ten and the Master: No.
Me: Shouldn't it have ... I don't know, redeeming features?
Ten and the Master: Sex and death.
Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair
Joe: So what's the deal with you guys?
Methos: Mac is kind of pissed off that ever since Bordeaux we've been able to feel it when the other one of us takes someone's Quickening. I may have forgotten to mention it.
Duncan: That, and you start learning awkward things about a guy after you've taken a couple of his ex-boyfriends' heads.
Some evil Immortal: Hi! I once killed Methos' student.
Methos: Allow me to kill you.
Duncan: METHOS STOP DOING THAT.
Amanda: I think Interpol is after me! There may have been, um, a thing in Cairo.
Duncan: AMANDA STOP DOING THAT.
Some not-evil Immortal: Hi! I'd like that thing from Cairo back. Also, I knew Methos right after he was done with the Horsemen.
Duncan: So how'd that go for you?
Methos: Sometimes I wish you cared a hell of a lot less.
Kronos: Allow me to turn up for the flashback sequence.
Me: Flashback sequence? It looks like you want a whole fifth of this goddamn fic! What could possibly --?
Kronos: Sex and death.
Me: Oh. Right.
Neutral Zone
Kowalski: So I know these kids Sid and Andy? They're in the foster system and I check in on them occasionally.
Fraser: What a coincidence! My current case involves them. Might you see your way to helping my partner and I solve it?
Vecchio: Hey, new guy, fuck off.
Kowalski: You fuck off.
Fraser: Oh dear.
Kowalski: Actually, Vecchio, I need your help with a few things.
Vecchio: To my horror, the feeling is mutual.
Welsh: Hey, since Gardino died, do you want his job, Kowalski?
Fraser: This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!
Kowalski: This is such a bad idea.
Me: Um, how much of the show are we going to cover in this AU?
Kowalski: I was thinking to about halfway through s4.
Me: *cries*
No Second Coming
Barney: Jane, do you ever get the feeling that something important happened when we were children and we can't remember it anymore?
Jane: Oddly enough, I do. Hang on, let me ask the Greenwitch.
Greenwitch: Have some cryptic-yet-helpful dreams!
Simon: I don't know what you two are on about. I'll just get married, shall I?
Will: Bran, are you coming to Simon's wedding?
Bran: Yes, but first give me a moment to have a few important epiphanies.
Will: Such as ...?
Bran: Turns out I really hate the Light sometimes, like, for instance, when they take my memories. Also, I think we should sleep together. So, Simon's wedding?
Simon's fiancée, Elaine: Don't mind me, I'll just sit here weaving a tapestry and making not-very-oblique references to The Lady of Shalott.
Me: So ... I think there's supposed to be a plot now. Or something.
untitled Alexa fic
Adam: I'm adorable and you should run away with me.
Alexa: You are adorable, but I'm dying and this is a spectacularly bad plan.
Adam: But I already bought plane tickets!
Alexa: Oh, all right. Let's do the Grand Canyon, Route 66, New York City, and a circuit of the Mediterranean.
Adam: Sounds wonderful! Mind if I tell you all about my mythological research into this entirely hypothetical guy named Methos?
Alexa: We're not just dealing with my issues with dying here, are we.
Adam: Probably not.
Alexa: That's cool. I still love you.
Me: Could you guys ... maybe be funny?
Adam: Not in my repertoire. I'll try for awesome.
Me: Okay, I can work with that.
untitled ridiculous fusion fic
Fraser: I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my teacher. Turns out Gerard beheaded him.
Vecchio: Um, what?
Fraser: Just go with it. Let's solve crime.
Victoria: Hello! I turn up every twenty years or so to destroy all the mortals in Ben's life.
Vecchio: Um, what?
Thatcher: Hello, I'm Fraser's new Watcher. I suggest you get out of his life while you still can, Vecchio.
Kowalski: So can I be his new cop partner?
Fraser: Well, yes, now that you've been shot in the chest and woken up again, you are rather my responsibility.
Kowalski: Cool. I like the pyrotechnics.
Welsh: So am I a Watcher in this universe or what?
Me: I don't know. I don't even know.
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