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fannish navel-gazing
It is thunderstorming today! Quite reasonably, my desktop weather widget had a picture of lightning. I still stared at it in puzzlement for a good ten seconds, thinking, "It's ... cloudy with a chance of Quickenings?" /o\
And then, sitting down to work on my Highlander fic, I was quietly plot-outlining in my head when I was brought up short by sudden guilt. And it wasn't obligation guilt: I know enough about my writing process that I can prioritize a due South AU and a Babylon 5 rewatch and an Avatar season and &c &c as much as I want, but if I sit down and a Doctor Who fic comes out instead, that's what I'm damn well writing. So trying to write Highlander fic wasn't making me think, "Why am I doing this when I should be doing x instead?" but rather "Why am I writing Highlander fic at all?" and this brought me up short: I was feeling self-indulgent, and that apparently made me feel guilty. Uh, what? Fic-writing is for funsies and not profit, after all; it is by definition wonderfully self-indulgent. Apparently, the problem is that it's Highlander.
And that's interesting, because -- okay, with Highlander, the premise is ridiculous, the acting is uneven, and I wouldn't bother actively recommending it to anyone because there are probably better things you can spend your time watching. But the degree I've been apologetic about liking it, even in my own head, borders on the absurd. I am not apologetic about my other 90s shows, and there is nothing inherently more ridiculous about "Four-hundred-year-old man runs around saving the day with a sword and occasionally beheading people" than there is in "Mountie goes to Chicago, befriends a cop, and has deep, meaningful discussions with his deaf half-wolf and dead father" nor indeed in "Lord of the Rings ... IN SPACE!" (Also, I am fairly sure that Adrian Paul could run acting circles around Michael O'Hare, which is a slightly alarming thought.) I mean, for god's sake, I am unapologetic about liking Seven's run on Doctor Who, Fifi and cheetah!Master and everything. I am happily shameless! So what the hell am I doing going mumblety highlander yeah whatever?
But I think I have an answer, in two parts. Part the first is about the fandom itself, and that is: I have no idea what the fandom is! I have been spoiled rotten by the due South fandom; because it is still alive and active, I know what the discourse is. It also remembers its history. I know who was running what when, I know where the fic archives are, I know what discussions we're having, and I know I like it. Babylon 5 fandom isn't quite so giving, if only because it seems to be a meta-based fandom for the most part, but there's still an active rewatch, it's very easy to track down all the old meta, and the ficcers are apparently the sort of people who happily embrace the AO3 -- so, again, I know the discourse (or at least can pick and choose it, because I'm fannishly more interested in Centauri-Narn relations than Human-Minbari ones, if you know what I mean). But with Highlander ... man, I don't even know. I've found the fic! That was easy. I've found the vids! That was surprisingly easy too. But maybe the fossilized record of the active discourse is hiding away on lists, or defunct message boards, or in the far depths of people's LJs from the early 2000s, back in the Land Of No Tags, or somewhere I cannot even imagine.
The point is that, since I can't find it, I don't know what the show is even about, in a fannish context, except those bits I can glean from fic. With due South, I know it is absurd, I am allowed to think it is absurd, I'm allowed to feel a bit squodgy about the way the show treats Francesca and the women at large, and I am allowed to love the whole thing unconditionally anyway. With Babylon 5, I am allowed to hide from the first season acting and the fifth season plot, I am allowed to roll my eyes as much as necessary at JMS' occasional complete overwroughtness, and I am allowed to fall to my knees in worship of the storytelling and sob my eyes out whenever I feel like it, although especially at the end. With Highlander, I gather that I am allowed to shake my tiny fists of rage at sixth season and ignore as many movies as I like, but ... am I supposed to like Duncan at all? Am I allowed to yell along with the theme song and roll around on the floor laughing like a hyena whenever there's a Quickening? How irreverent am I supposed to be, and is it a party faux pas to get tipsy and start rambling about how a modern AU where the Four Horsemen are the dorkiest most dysfunctional gang ever would be great?
And I ask all this not because I need a given fandom's permission to read a show a certain way, but because I like not working in a vacuum. And because I am, my brain can't decide whether it's supposed to apologize for this show or if we've got it covered, it's taken as written that it's rubbish, and we're ready to move on now and just throw a good party. So that's the first thing.
The second thing is probably related to the first, but is way less complicated. And it is: id show. Oh my god Highlander is my stupid id show. I have a crazy immortals kink about a galaxy wide, and to my surprise, the show actually considers a lot of the stuff I want considered when it's stories about crazy immortals. How does someone keep functioning when everyone around them dies? How does a person manage to change with the times when the times insist on becoming so different? What about what happens when a person reaches immortality when they're too young, and end up stuck that way? How do they keep the ordinary people around them from noticing that they never age, and what do they do if the ordinary people do notice? But of course none of this is addressed in a subtly-written, well-acted, beautifully-shot way. It's done in a way where you blink and end up missing it because of all the ridiculous pyrotechnics.
So, okay, you sexualize said pyrotechnics as much as possible, add in some accidental mind-melding, lots of dark backstory, and some nosy, snarky academics -- and, hello, you have Aria's perfect fic. I suspect the issue is in the packaging and execution; like, it is everything I have ever wanted, but it's ... not that well-done. Comes a Horseman/Revelation 6:8 comes close to my Platonic ideal of the show, and in fact comes a hell of a lot closer than most of the fic, but -- but. I can't actually tell anyone else that they should see any of it, because their kinks are not necessarily my kinks, and they could easily be watching a different story.
Obviously the solution is to just write my ridiculous Highlander id-fic, not least because enthusiastic self-indulgence usually produces the best fannish writing. But I still feel weird and apologetic about it. OWN IT, SELF, OWN IT LIKE ALL THE OTHER AWESOME RUBBISH YOU LOVE.
And then, sitting down to work on my Highlander fic, I was quietly plot-outlining in my head when I was brought up short by sudden guilt. And it wasn't obligation guilt: I know enough about my writing process that I can prioritize a due South AU and a Babylon 5 rewatch and an Avatar season and &c &c as much as I want, but if I sit down and a Doctor Who fic comes out instead, that's what I'm damn well writing. So trying to write Highlander fic wasn't making me think, "Why am I doing this when I should be doing x instead?" but rather "Why am I writing Highlander fic at all?" and this brought me up short: I was feeling self-indulgent, and that apparently made me feel guilty. Uh, what? Fic-writing is for funsies and not profit, after all; it is by definition wonderfully self-indulgent. Apparently, the problem is that it's Highlander.
And that's interesting, because -- okay, with Highlander, the premise is ridiculous, the acting is uneven, and I wouldn't bother actively recommending it to anyone because there are probably better things you can spend your time watching. But the degree I've been apologetic about liking it, even in my own head, borders on the absurd. I am not apologetic about my other 90s shows, and there is nothing inherently more ridiculous about "Four-hundred-year-old man runs around saving the day with a sword and occasionally beheading people" than there is in "Mountie goes to Chicago, befriends a cop, and has deep, meaningful discussions with his deaf half-wolf and dead father" nor indeed in "Lord of the Rings ... IN SPACE!" (Also, I am fairly sure that Adrian Paul could run acting circles around Michael O'Hare, which is a slightly alarming thought.) I mean, for god's sake, I am unapologetic about liking Seven's run on Doctor Who, Fifi and cheetah!Master and everything. I am happily shameless! So what the hell am I doing going mumblety highlander yeah whatever?
But I think I have an answer, in two parts. Part the first is about the fandom itself, and that is: I have no idea what the fandom is! I have been spoiled rotten by the due South fandom; because it is still alive and active, I know what the discourse is. It also remembers its history. I know who was running what when, I know where the fic archives are, I know what discussions we're having, and I know I like it. Babylon 5 fandom isn't quite so giving, if only because it seems to be a meta-based fandom for the most part, but there's still an active rewatch, it's very easy to track down all the old meta, and the ficcers are apparently the sort of people who happily embrace the AO3 -- so, again, I know the discourse (or at least can pick and choose it, because I'm fannishly more interested in Centauri-Narn relations than Human-Minbari ones, if you know what I mean). But with Highlander ... man, I don't even know. I've found the fic! That was easy. I've found the vids! That was surprisingly easy too. But maybe the fossilized record of the active discourse is hiding away on lists, or defunct message boards, or in the far depths of people's LJs from the early 2000s, back in the Land Of No Tags, or somewhere I cannot even imagine.
The point is that, since I can't find it, I don't know what the show is even about, in a fannish context, except those bits I can glean from fic. With due South, I know it is absurd, I am allowed to think it is absurd, I'm allowed to feel a bit squodgy about the way the show treats Francesca and the women at large, and I am allowed to love the whole thing unconditionally anyway. With Babylon 5, I am allowed to hide from the first season acting and the fifth season plot, I am allowed to roll my eyes as much as necessary at JMS' occasional complete overwroughtness, and I am allowed to fall to my knees in worship of the storytelling and sob my eyes out whenever I feel like it, although especially at the end. With Highlander, I gather that I am allowed to shake my tiny fists of rage at sixth season and ignore as many movies as I like, but ... am I supposed to like Duncan at all? Am I allowed to yell along with the theme song and roll around on the floor laughing like a hyena whenever there's a Quickening? How irreverent am I supposed to be, and is it a party faux pas to get tipsy and start rambling about how a modern AU where the Four Horsemen are the dorkiest most dysfunctional gang ever would be great?
And I ask all this not because I need a given fandom's permission to read a show a certain way, but because I like not working in a vacuum. And because I am, my brain can't decide whether it's supposed to apologize for this show or if we've got it covered, it's taken as written that it's rubbish, and we're ready to move on now and just throw a good party. So that's the first thing.
The second thing is probably related to the first, but is way less complicated. And it is: id show. Oh my god Highlander is my stupid id show. I have a crazy immortals kink about a galaxy wide, and to my surprise, the show actually considers a lot of the stuff I want considered when it's stories about crazy immortals. How does someone keep functioning when everyone around them dies? How does a person manage to change with the times when the times insist on becoming so different? What about what happens when a person reaches immortality when they're too young, and end up stuck that way? How do they keep the ordinary people around them from noticing that they never age, and what do they do if the ordinary people do notice? But of course none of this is addressed in a subtly-written, well-acted, beautifully-shot way. It's done in a way where you blink and end up missing it because of all the ridiculous pyrotechnics.
So, okay, you sexualize said pyrotechnics as much as possible, add in some accidental mind-melding, lots of dark backstory, and some nosy, snarky academics -- and, hello, you have Aria's perfect fic. I suspect the issue is in the packaging and execution; like, it is everything I have ever wanted, but it's ... not that well-done. Comes a Horseman/Revelation 6:8 comes close to my Platonic ideal of the show, and in fact comes a hell of a lot closer than most of the fic, but -- but. I can't actually tell anyone else that they should see any of it, because their kinks are not necessarily my kinks, and they could easily be watching a different story.
Obviously the solution is to just write my ridiculous Highlander id-fic, not least because enthusiastic self-indulgence usually produces the best fannish writing. But I still feel weird and apologetic about it. OWN IT, SELF, OWN IT LIKE ALL THE OTHER AWESOME RUBBISH YOU LOVE.
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